


disparity

by bukkunkun



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming of Age, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Growing Up, Heavy Angst, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Recovery, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, and i am sorry about that, basically the moms who are thematically named Because I Said So, basically this Really Hurts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-06-12 06:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15334197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bukkunkun/pseuds/bukkunkun
Summary: dis·par·i·ty/dəˈsperədē/ - a lack of equality and similarity, esp. in a way that is not fairWhen Riku was a little boy, he had one best friend.His name was Sora, and he loved him very, very much.two boys grow up together, caring for each other the way only they knew how.





	1. the night of fate

**Author's Note:**

> first and foremost, a disclaimer: I do not have dissociative identity disorder, but I have done my best to depict it as realistically and as respectfully as possible. Over the course of writing this fic I have consulted many guides about this, asked several friends and read reputable journals covering this topic (the gdoc title of this fic is "i read a 47 page long guideline on how to treat did for this") but I am aware that whatever efforts I may have put into this may not be enough nor hold a candle to what people with this disorder may have gone through. Should there be any information or help you'd like me to have, or maybe there's something I should change, please let me know in the comments below. I will do my utmost to ensure the depiction of this disorder is as respectful as the community will have it. 
> 
> In other news, hey y'all, I'm back at it again with my attempts to destroy the soriku tag. If you haven't read the tags for some reason, here's another reminder: **there will be terrible, triggering things mentioned in the story. this story will depict the emergence of a mental disorder, and will depict traumatic experiences which may trigger some folks. viewer discretion is advised. please stay safe.** Your safety is much more important than you getting to read another soriku fic in the tag. There will be more out there.
> 
> With that in mind, if you're somehow still here, welcome! I hope you enjoy the fic (you won't) and as usual, here's the tweet that started it all:
>
>> hot take: sora with dissociative identity disorder dating his bf riku who's helping him through it very patiently, feat. him getting to know and befriend sora's many personalities, xion, roxas, ventus and vanitas
>> 
>> — bukkun @ horny on main for mommy macrophage (@trickscd) [24 June 2018](https://twitter.com/trickscd/status/1010873107362353152?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)

When Riku was a little boy, he had one best friend.

His name was Sora, and he loved him very, very much.

* * *

“Riku, this is Sora.”

The two women smiled at each other, as the baby in her arms gurgled, and reached for his mother’s silver hair, balling his tiny fist in the tail of her braid.

“The two of you are gonna be the best of friends, okay?”

The brunette in the hospital bed laughed softly when her blue-eyed newborn began crying, and gently rocked him to calm him down. The baby in her best friend’s arms turned to look at him, and tears welled up in his eyes.

“Oh, Riku—” his mother began, but the baby began to cry as well.

The two women shared knowing smiles, bursting into giggles, as the both of them began to work on placating their babies.

* * *

Sora was born blessed by the stars, Riku’s mother always told him. Born far too early and far too feeble, there was very little hope of him living long, but because of his mother’s efforts, Sora lived to see another sunrise, and another, and another. His days were spent with his hand intertwined with Riku’s, as they watched stars steal across the sky at night, or the sun whisper its hellos as it welcomed the next day along with his amber cloak in the sky.

Sora was a dear, sweet boy who was a little small for his age, but Riku loved him all the same. They went on many adventures together the moment they could walk, and their hands found each other’s like second nature.

As a child, Riku already knew that they would live together, and they would grow old together. Sora was his kindred spirit, his one most important person in his life.

When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend.

When Riku was 5, he thought he would have none.

* * *

“ _Sora? Sora, sweetie, where are you?_ ”

The rain howled like the roaring lions on TV. Flashes of lighting streaked across the sky, bright and silver like knives, and the sea crashed violently into the breakwaters and ripraps, furious and churning like an angry, hungry void.

Grey clouds obscured the darkened sky, and the moon hid her face from the tumultuous sea below. Seafoam, once a friendly white of thunderous horses, was now darkened grey, bubbling and writhing claws that tore at the seashore. Rain poured down in curtains of water, as if trying to drown the hot air itself, and the trees around the island danced to the whims of the hurricane tearing their small archipelago apart.

Riku, face buried into his beloved plush toy Komory Bat, snuggled close to his mother, as they waited in front of her radio for something— _anything._

“ _I can’t find him,_ ” Sora’s mother’s voice crackled with static, tumbling little crumbs into Riku’s ears. “ _Oh, Cel, I can’t find him._ ”

“Sol, you gotta keep trying,” Riku’s mother bit her lip, hugging her son close. “What about your husband? Has he said anything?”

“ _I-I dunno, I don’t—I don’t know._ ” Sora’s mother sounded frightened. Toppling over the verge of tears, scattering marbles over shattering, fragile glass. “ _It’s raining so hard out. I’m—I can’t see anything._ ”

“Sol,” Riku’s mother hesitated, and she deflated. “Come home. There’s nothing more we can do.”

“ _But Sora! Sora, my baby boy—_ ”

“I know.” Her expression looked pained. Riku could feel her heart clenching in the way her eyes softened at the radio. “I… I _know._ But it’s worse to lose you _both_.”

There was silence on the other side of the line, and Riku squeezed Komory Bat’s wing.

Where was Sora? They’d scheduled a play date that evening, and then a sleepover. It’d been _hours._ Where was he? How was he in the storm outside?

“ _You’re right._ ” Sora’s mother said eventually. “ _I-I’m coming over, Cel._ ”

“Of course.” Riku’s mother nodded, and she looked at Riku. “C’mon, sweetie, let’s go make some tea for your Auntie Sol.”

Riku lit up. “Oh, Sora’s finally coming over?” He asked, and he didn’t understand why his mother’s eyes welled up with tears. “Mommy?” he cocked his head, and she shook her head, holding his hand gently.

“Riku, whatever happens, I want you to always remember Sora, okay?” She asked quietly, and Riku blinked at her in confusion. “Don’t you ever forget him—don’t ever forget how much you love him.” She pressed their foreheads together, and Riku could feel her shaking. “Keep believing in him, Riku, and he’ll always be with you.”

“Huh?” The boy blinked. “But he’s not. If he was, me and Komory Bat would have a best friend each.”

His mother smiled down at him, eyes wet. “When you’re older, you’ll understand.”

She got up, and patted his head gently. “C’mon, let’s make tea.”

He trotted after her, Komory Bat’s wing in his hand and dragging it along behind him to help her. He and the bat picked out Sol’s favourite tea—paopu sweet, read the label—and he watched the dark yellow colour diffuse into the hot water while humming a tune, swinging his legs back and forth as he sat at the kitchen counter.

Not long after that, the front door opened, and Riku lit up to see Sol standing there, though she was soaked to the bone. His mother got up from her seat to rush towards her best friend and pull her into a hug, uncaring if her clothes got wet.

“Celeste,” Sol shuddered, “I can’t find him. _I can’t find him._ ”

“I’m sorry,” Celeste murmured into her friend’s brown hair, “I’m so, so sorry.”

* * *

Riku couldn’t sleep that night. Part of it was because of the rain, the thunderous sound of the storm’s rage howling right into his heart, but most of it was out of loneliness.

Komory Bat lay forgotten on the floor, as Riku stared out into the abyss of darkness the night storm made, and thought about Sora, lonely, alone, just like he was.

He missed Sora. He didn’t know what to do.

He felt so alone—and suddenly, he realised, he probably _was_ now, his best friend gone forever.

* * *

It didn’t take long for news to arrive that a boat had capsized in the wake of the storm that almost tore Destiny Islands to the ground, and then the bodies began washing up one by one in the time it took after to begin searching for its victims.

Celeste hadn’t allowed Riku out of the house during then, but one sunny afternoon, the sun in juxtaposition with grief splayed across the beaches of his home, Riku watched Sol break down into tears in front of an airtight container, clinging onto a half-decayed body, weeping.

Two days after the accident, Sora’s dad was found dead, washed up on the shore, they said. Drowned, but still clinging to a large container they had used to store fish in ice—and there was even worse news.

A survivor told Sol and Celeste, heavy-hearted, that her son was there as well, that fateful day that freak storm hit.

Little Sora has snuck onto his father’s fishing vessel and was small enough to hide between the large tanks to go unnoticed by the crew until they had set sail. Sora hadn’t known they were going to leave—he had cried and cried that he had a playdate with Riku—but they were so far out, and the storm had suddenly hit.

The crew did its best to protect the boy—but eventually the waves smashed even their lifeboat in half, and Sora’s father, in a last-ditch effort, threw together the container to try and keep his son alive.

The container was sealed shut, the lid welded so that it was watertight, and Sol was in near-hysterics as rescue teams hurried to open it.

It was a miracle, really—the same way Sora’s mere existence was a miracle—as rescuers found the boy unconscious in one makeshift compartment slightly filled with seawater, barely breathing, but _alive,_ curled around three empty bottles of water and some protein bar wrappers. The other half of the container had enough oxygen tanks for three days, connected to Sora’s chamber to keep him alive.

That day, Riku found his best friend again, and all was right in the world.

* * *

Riku soon found himself expanding his horizons in a place he couldn’t pronounce. Sora needed to see a doctor frequently after the accident, and Celeste had been happy to let Riku accompany him to the doctor, especially with the promise of ice cream and a playdate after.

Sol had told Riku to keep an eye on Sora—to hold him whenever he started feeling awful, and to make sure Sora took his medicine on time. He was the older one between the two of them, after all—it was his job to make sure Sora was safe, and happy.

Really, even if Sol hadn’t told him to, he would have done it. Riku loved his best friend, and he couldn’t stand seeing him hurt or sad, or scared.

Sora had changed, somewhat, but Riku was just glad he was alright, that he was _alive_ and with him for yet another day. The doctor gave Sora some medicines to drink, and Riku could only watch as Sora tried not to cry when he drank them.

“They make me sleepy all the time,” he complained one time, curled up next to Riku after lunch, looking blearily at the little orange bottle of pills. “I don’t like it. They make me remember.”

“But I thought the doctor was helping.” Riku replied, and Sora shook his head vigorously.

“I’m just—I’m always so scared.” Sora’s voice was weak. “I just—I wanna—”

“But they’re supposed to help you.” Riku frowned. “Sora, Auntie Sol said you gotta—”

“Shut up!” Sora snapped, and Riku jolted, moving away from him wide-eyed, as Sora visibly trembled, his tiny hands balling into shaking fists. “Shut up, shut up! You don’t know what it’s like!”

“Sora—” Riku began, but Sora threw his glass of water at him. Luckily, he was quick enough to dodge it, and it fell to the ground, shattering into pieces. Riku gaped at him, and Sora only glared back, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“He keeps bringing it back, again, and again!” Sora screamed. “Even when I said I didn’t wanna, he did! I always feel like I’m going crazy—my head’s tearing apart!”

He made a frustrated sound, growling almost, and grabbed his fork.

“I just want it to stop!” He sobbed, and drove it into his left hand.

Time seemed to drag on after that. Like a snail nibbling on dewdrops on a taro leaf, it crawled across skittering grains of sand, and it felt like the air around his head as Sora screamed in pain.

His blood had sprayed, a tiny burst of red streaking across the air, and a few drops landed on Riku’s cheek.

Time dragged on, and wet, slick blood began to grow sticky like drying sweat on his skin.

Riku felt numb. Sora’s blood was still on his cheek. He couldn’t think straight—he couldn’t think _at all._ Horror was still freezing his blood in his veins. Shock, still holding his body frozen.

Sora’s blood was still on his cheek.

He was barely cognisant of Sol rushing into the room, bursting into tears, and then his own mother quickly pulled the fork out of Sora’s hand, the boy still silent, crying angry, soundless tears.

“I just want it to stop.” He said, voice unwavering. “I don’t wanna just feel all this hurt inside.”

He looked right into Riku’s eyes, and Riku saw someone else in there—someone that wasn’t _his_ Sora.

“Please, I just wanna feel something else, for a change.”


	2. unbreakable chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend in Sora. 
> 
> When Riku was 7, he had found himself two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ksjdklasjdkj welcome to the pain train where nothing is safe and everything is painful 
> 
> henwo i wuv,,,,, vanitas,, ,, , ,save him,

“Hi, Riku! Let’s go play on the island today!” Sora cheerfully greeted, and Riku smiled back at him, reaching out for his hand, but then he stopped.

Sora cocked his head at him, but then he realised he was holding out his left hand. He laughed sheepishly, and held out his right hand instead.

“Sorry.” He said, rubbing the back of his head, but Riku shook his head. He took Sora’s right hand to hold, lacing their fingers together with the extra care he had grown used to doing. “So! What do you wanna do today? Do you wanna go swimming?”

“Sounds fun.” Riku nodded. “Hey, why don’t we have that new girl come with us today? You said you wanna make friends, right?”

“Oh!” Sora lit up. “Yeah! Can we, Riku?”

“Yeah, why not.” Riku smiled. “It’s getting a bit lonely with just the two of us, right?”

“Huh?” Sora pouted, “But I’m never lonely with you around!”

“Aw, thanks.” Riku chuckled. “C’mon, let’s go find Kairi and let’s all go to the island. Maybe her dad can take us.”

“Yeah!” Like a switch, Sora was cheerful again, and Riku could breathe easily once more. “Let’s go!”

It had been a year since then, and all Riku had to remember of Sora’s first psychotic incident were four dot-shaped scars on Sora’s palm. Sora himself didn’t seem to remember ever stabbing himself, or how it even felt, and Riku wished that he was the same. It haunted him, after that—at how he’d caused that to happen, because of his pressing, he had ultimately pushed Sora too far, and he hurt himself.

It felt like it was Riku himself who drove the fork into Sora’s hand, and he refused to hold it out of shame.

Eventually, Kairi joined their little group—the mayor’s adoptive daughter, after he and his wife had failed to make their own family. Little Kairi was closer to Riku’s age, and just like him, had some instinct to care for Sora just like he did.

Celeste and Sol got along with Kairi’s mother well, too, and quickly, the three children grew into fast friends. Over the year that passed, Sora never slipped into psychosis, maintaining therapy with his doctor, and while it seemed to placate Sol, Riku had other ideas about it.

“Hey,” He said casually, as he and Kairi sat outside Sora’s doctor’s office, waiting for Sora to come out. The little girl hummed to acknowledge him, but her eyes were trained on their legs, trying to sync her waving of her feet with Riku’s. “Um… what do you think of Sora?”

“He’s really nice, just like you are.” Kairi replied without hesitation, looking up at Riku with bright, kind eyes. “You guys are my first friends on the island, so I really like you two.”

“That’s great.” Riku smiled softly. “I was just wondering… do you know why we’re here?”

“Hmm…” Kairi hummed. “Well, Mommy told me something bad happened to Sora last year, so he has to see the doctor to fix himself.” She said, and Riku nodded. “Is it working?”

Riku looked at his hands, and traced four dots on the palm of his left hand.

“I don’t know, actually.” He replied honestly, and the both of them jumped when they suddenly heard something smashing inside the doctor’s room. The both of them got onto their feet, alarmed, and Riku tried to reach for the doorknob.

“Sora?” He shouted, “Sora, what’s wrong?”

There was muffled shouting, and they heard the doctor’s huff of effort as behind them, Riku saw two nurses heading towards them. His eyes widened, and he pulled Kairi aside with him to let them enter. When they burst into the room, they left the door open, and Riku and Kairi hurried inside after them.

Sora’s doctor was holding him down on the couch, a cut freely bleeding from his cheek. Kairi gasped when she saw it, and she quickly hid behind Riku, fearful. Sora was growling, struggling against the man’s hold—and then against the nurses’ hold—in his hand, the doctor’s pen. It had blood on it.

“Just stop it!” He screamed, “It hurts! Everything hurts!”

“Now, Sora, please—” the doctor tried to say, but Sora kept going.

“My hand’s hurt, my head’s tearing apart!” He squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head, and tears rolled down his cheeks again. “I _know_ what I remember, it’s _my_ memories! Dad’s not gone, he’s the best fisherman ever! I don’t know what you want!”

“Sora, you have to understand—you have to accept reality.” The doctor kept talking calmly, and he spotted Riku and Kairi gaping at him from the doorway. “Look—your friends are here. Calm down.”

He waved Kairi over, and the redhead peered at Riku fearfully. He nodded at her, and took her hand before walking closer with her.

“Look, this is Kairi. She’s your friend, isn’t she?”

Kairi offered Sora an awkward smile, and the boy simply glared at her.

“Who are you?” He snapped, and her expression fell.

“Huh…?” She said weakly, and Riku quickly pulled her away from Sora, fear clogging his throat. “R-Riku, he… he’s…”

“Relax,” he said quietly, squeezing her hand, and protectively stood between them. “Sora?”

“I-I’m not—” Sora shook his head, “Why are you calling me that? Riku, I thought we were _friends_.”

Riku’s eyes widened. “H-huh?” He managed, when Sora suddenly lunged for him, eyes wild. Luckily, the nurses were still able to hold him down, and Riku jolted back, shocked.

“I’ll kill you!” he screamed, “I’ll kill everyone in this room! I’ll kill myself!”

Riku held Kairi close when she buried her face into his chest, horror dawning in his eyes as he stared at the boy in front of him.

Like before, he realised, this wasn’t _his_ Sora. This was _someone else._

“You will not. You shouldn’t.” The doctor remained calm, though Riku could feel the palpable tension growing in the room. “Sora—”

“I’m not Sora!” Sora spat, “My name is Vanitas!”

Vanitas.

Who on earth was Vanitas?

“And if you won’t end the hurt, then _I will!_ ”

* * *

At first, Riku thought it was a demon inhabiting his best friend. Sol enjoyed watching horror movies with Celeste when she and Sora slept over, and Riku had found himself watching with them whenever Sora managed to fall asleep before he did.

Kairi had been so spooked, she refused to leave her house, and Riku couldn’t blame her. He was shocked, too, but concern for Sora made him return to Sora’s house the moment he could.

Ever since his last psychotic episode, Sora had been kept under house arrest for a few days, making him miss school, and Riku eventually grew restless with wanting to see him again. Friday saw him standing next to his mother as she spoke quietly with Sol, and then Sol showering him with grateful hugs and kisses, shakily thanking him for never giving up on her son.

“I would never,” he had told her simply, peering into Sol’s watery eyes, “I love Sora. He’s my best friend.”

And he’d promised his mother—as long as he believed in Sora, he knew, he would always come back to him.

“Sora?” He asked quietly, peering into Sora’s room, and relief surged in his heart when he saw Sora sitting on his bed, looking out the window pensively, a half-eaten sandwich in his hands. He looked so peaceful there, like he hadn’t previously been hissing and spitting, violently resisting adults holding him down until they stuck a needle in him to sedate him.

Now, it felt like he was looking at _his_ Sora again.

Sora turned to look at him, and gave him a tired smile. His eyes slowly blinked in fatigue, and Riku couldn’t help but laugh in relief, approaching him to see that Sora’s childhood plush Meow Wow was cuddled by his side.

Exhausted, sleepless and drained, yes, but he was _his_ Sora, all the same.

The last time Riku saw him, Sora had such _anger_ in his eyes, he _knew_ he wasn’t looking at his best friend anymore. Now, Sora’s sky blues were muted from his exhaustion and the darkness of his room, but Riku knew this was his childhood friend, back again to his old self.

“Hey,” he said gently, sitting down next to Sora on the bed, and the boy’s smile widened when Riku reached down to take the sandwich from his hands. “What’s in this?”

“Nutella.” Sora replied, and Riku bit down into it. Immediately he winced, feeling the tangy taste of processed paopu, and Sora burst out into giggles. “You should see your face!”

Riku blew him a raspberry and shoved the sandwich into Sora’s open mouth. The brunet let out a muffled shout of protest, but reluctantly he bit into it and forced himself to chew and swallow down the part he bit off.

“You liar.” Riku poked Sora’s nose, and the younger boy grinned at him brightly. Riku deflated at that, and leaned on Sora, relishing the feel of having his best friend by his side again. “I missed you.”

“Me too.” Sora replied, suddenly going quiet, and Riku looked up at Sora to see his smile had turned sad. “I… I heard I did something terrible.”

“You don’t remember?” Riku blinked, and Sora shook his head.

“I just… blanked out, and the next thing I knew Mom was…” he fell silent, and Riku saw his expression collapse into tears. “Mom was… she’s…” Sora buried his face in his hands, and Riku sat up, gently prying his hands away from his face to wipe away his tears. “She’s sad again, because of me.”

“It’s not your fault.” Riku said softly, and Sora fell silent for a moment. Riku’s heart shot to his throat, but then Sora spoke again.

“I wish it was that simple.” He said, and Riku paused, pulling away to look at Sora, and the look in his eyes told him he wasn’t talking to _his_ Sora anymore.

His expression fell, and he carefully kept his distance away from the boy. Sora looked at him tiredly, and he shook his head, burying his face in his hands.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He snarled.

“Are you… Vanitas?” He ventured, and Vanitas peered at him from between his fingers.

“Yeah.” He said after a long moment’s consideration, and looked at Riku carefully. “I don’t understand how you couldn’t remember me.” He mumbled, and he curled up on himself.

“I’m sorry.” Riku mumbled, “I was scared.”

Not exactly the truth he wished he could tell him, but right now, he himself wasn’t sure _why_ Sora had someone else living inside him. He was only 7, he couldn’t figure things out like this by himself.

Vanitas regarded him with a withering expression, and he shook his head.

“I’m a monster, aren’t I?” He murmured, and Riku jolted.

Hearing it in Sora’s voice made something wrench painfully in his gut. He made a move to reach out for Sora, to grab his right hand as he always did, but Vanitas held his hand with his left one, shaking, as he laced their fingers together, pressing his scar into Riku’s palm. It felt like a brand searing its mark into Riku’s skin, a stark, painful reminder of his failure from years ago.

He made a move to pull his hand away, but Vanitas clung on, desperation in his eyes.

“Hold on to me,” he begged, his voice wrecked, “Please. Everything hurts—my body, my lungs—they’re always burning.” He buried his face into the crook of Riku’s neck, and his breath shot into quick pants, panic seeping into his heart at having Vanitas _so close_.

He’s going to hurt me, _he’s going to hurt me,_ **_he’s going to hurt me, the monster—_ **

“Please.” Vanitas begged in Sora’s voice, “My stomach. My chest. My hand, my neck. Everywhere hurts.” He began to sob, trembling violently against Riku. “I just want it to stop. Why am I the only one who has to feel like this all the time?”

Riku froze. That was right—ever since Vanitas showed up, Sora could never remember anything—not the accident, not any other injuries he had, not even the time he stabbed himself with the fork. At the time, Riku didn’t know _why_ Sora wouldn’t remember, but now…

What if it had always been Vanitas the whole time? What if it had been Vanitas catching all of Sora’s pains ever since he had been made?

Vanitas fell silent, flinching and twitching, as if even _breathing_ was painful, and Riku hesitated.

Vanitas was part of Sora—Vanitas, in some way was _protecting_ Sora, feeling all the pain Sora would have felt if he was all alone.

He loved Sora, yes—but he loved _all_ of him, and Vanitas was part of him.

Gingerly, he wrapped his arms around the brunet, and Vanitas suddenly stiffened up, as if anticipating a blow.

Instead, Riku, hand shaking, stroked Sora’s—Vanitas’s— _Sora’s_ hair, and kissed his temple.

“I understand.” He said, though he didn’t—at least, not yet. “Whenever you feel that hurt, Vanitas, tell me. I’ll help you through it.”

Vanitas clung onto him desperately, sniffling slightly.

“I don’t need your pity.” He said, and Riku didn’t reply, simply holding on in silence, until the body in his arms relaxed. Riku looked down at him, and sighed in relief to see Sora had fallen asleep.

He made a mental note to ask his mother about Vanitas later. For now, he tucked Sora into bed, before sliding in next to him, content to nap next to him until dinner time.

* * *

When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend in Sora.

When Riku was 7, he had found himself two.


	3. ventus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend in Sora. 
> 
> When Riku was 11, he had found himself three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i.......... totally forgot this fic existed, wao.................. well here we go i guess? ?? ? ?

Riku later learned that Sora was sick.

Sick, not in the way he would get high fevers, or runny noses or scratchy coughing throats, but sick in his heart. His mind.

Riku and Kairi sat down with Sora’s doctor, the man sternly facing them down after he fell quiet. The two children were seven now (Kairi was turning 7 in a few weeks, anyway), but after listening to Sora’s doctor finish talking, Riku felt he was much, much older.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, he had said. A name Riku had a hard time pronouncing, but one that carried so much more weight to it than just three big words.

“So… Sora’s sick?” Kairi asked in a tiny voice. Riku looked at her pityingly, and held her hand reassuringly, squeezing comfortingly. “But he’s fine, right? H-he doesn’t have a cold or anything…”

Ever since Vanitas made himself known to them, Kairi had been a little apprehensive of him—not Sora, though, never Sora—but Riku patiently eased her and Vanitas into a stable relationship. She had been a little more difficult in accepting Vanitas, having known Sora for only a little under a year, but Riku was grateful that she was infinitely patient as she was kind. Eventually, Kairi herself managed to placate Vanitas when Riku wasn’t around, though with varying degrees of success before Riku had to come running in from his next door classrooms. Still, something was better than nothing, and Kairi was kind where it mattered.

“No, this is a different kind of ailment.” The doctor, Yen Sid, spoke with words Riku wasn’t sure were appropriate for children their age, but Riku stayed quiet and listened to him speak. “Sora is ill, but in his head. There is something damaged in his mind, and he needs the both of you to help him through it.”

Kairi and Riku shared nervous looks, but Riku eventually nodded determinedly at Yen Sid.

“Sora will forget things frequently. He will live totally separate lives as different people in the same body, and over time, you may learn how to know when you are no longer talking to your first friend.” He shut his eyes, humming as he leaned back in his seat.

Kairi bit her lip nervously. “I don’t know if I can do that.” She admitted, and Riku shook his head.

“Then I will.” He told her, and she looked up at him hopefully. “And then we’ll work something out together.”

She nodded, and finally, Yen Sid smiled.

“The journey will be a long one—you may encounter new alters as you grow, but if you want to help Sora, you must be patient with him.”

Kairi nodded, hesitant, but determined. “We’ll protect him.”

“No,” The man replied patiently, “What he needs right now is not your protection.” Riku took a sharp breath, and Yen Sid lowered his head. “What he needs is for the two of you to believe in him.”

Kairi’s hand squeezed Riku’s, and Riku squeezed back.

“So long as you love him, Sora will recover. What you must do is believe in him, and support him through it all.”

* * *

Riku didn’t know why it took him so long to notice things were going wrong.

On Sora’s tenth birthday, Sol threw a party for him at home, and almost all the children in their class went to celebrate. When he wasn’t Vanitas, Sora was greatly loved, a sweet, energetic child that participated as best as he could in class, and was a good friend to everyone at school. Riku often found himself standing on the sideline for a good few years after Yen Sid’s request of him and Kairi, but every single time he did, Sora’s eyes would find him immediately, and take his hand to pull him in the centre spotlight.

Vanitas came out when he wanted to, though mercifully mostly only during the weekends when Sora went to see Yen Sid, and particularly bad days when the sunny, clear blue sky of Destiny Islands darkened to that same void of darkness that one fateful stormy night. It seemed he learned well, though, and Riku realised Vanitas only showed the worst of his psychosis when Kairi wasn’t around.

Sora’s tenth birthday was on a Saturday, and it overlapped with Sora’s sessions with Yen Sid. He always went there with either Riku or Kairi, or both of them, and today, Riku took time out of his tutoring schedule to give way to Kairi’s dance recital practice to go with Sora to therapy.

He sat there in those familiar waiting seats, the same one ever since he was a little boy, and waited.

Sora’s birthday was later that afternoon. Vanitas _couldn’t_ ruin it.

Much to his surprise, he suddenly heard laughter from inside Yen Sid’s room. Cautiously, he got up onto his feet, peering suspiciously at the plastic mahogany cover the man had put on top of the sterile whiteness of his door, and stepped closer.

He pressed his ear to the door, unmindful of a passing nurse’s fond chuckle, and listened.

“ _I’m perfectly fine, yep._ ” Sora said cheerfully, and Riku could practically _hear_ the smile in his voice. “ _No problems here! No Vanitas, no pain, no nothing. I’m not sad anymore._ ”

His eyes widened. Sora was _okay!_

“ _I am rather doubtful of that._ ” Yen Sid said sternly, “ _Perhaps the dosage of quetiapine is too much for you._ ”

“ _I’m fine! I really am!_ ” Sora insisted, “ _I don’t need the meds anymore, I get plenty of sleep, too!_ ”

“ _Yes, that is one of the side effects of the drug._ ” The doctor hummed. “ _25mg… You are a little smaller than boys your age. You are sure you’re taking them correctly?_ ”

“ _Yep._ ” Sora was chipper, almost bouncy, even, and Riku smiled slowly. Relief, like cool, clear water washed over him. Why wasn’t Yen Sid pleased by this? This was great!

Yen Sid considered him for a moment, and asked him, “ _What day is it today?_ ”

Riku blinked. What was he going on about? It was Sora’s birthday today—Sora wouldn’t forget something as _important_ as that.

“ _It’s Saturday, March 28!_ ” Sora replied.

“ _Anything special in particular?_ ”

“ _Riku and Kairi are coming over! We’re gonna have a sleepover and we’re gonna stay up really late, and eat so much ice cream—_ ”

“ _That sounds magnificent. Anything else?_ ”

“ _Nope, just another good day with my friends._ ” Sora hummed, “ _Can I go now? I’m okay now, aren’t I? I’m not sad anymore, and I promise I’ll be good! I won’t hurt anyone anymore!_ ”

Yen Sid was quiet, and outside the door, Riku was too. His eyes were wide with shock, and his shaking hand came up to his mouth, pressing _hard_ against it, as horror dawned on his face.

This was someone else again—this wasn’t Vanitas, but _this wasn’t Sora._

“ _Very well. I would like to ensure you stay alright through the rest of the month, so please do return on Saturday for another chat._ ” Yen Sid said neutrally. “ _For now, I will give you this prescription for your mother to read. Continue taking quetiapine, but at a lower dosage, and with less frequency. How does that sound?_ ”

“ _Great!_ ” Sora chirped, “ _Thank you!_ ”

There was a moment’s silence, and Riku stepped back away from the door to let Sora open it, the boy all-smiles as he looked at Riku.

“Riku, Riku!” He cheered, hugging him tightly, and Riku peered into the room at Yen Sid, who looked at him knowingly. “I’ve got good news!”

“He has news.” Yen Sid said sagely, and Riku swallowed nervously.

He knew, as well as Riku did.

This was something _Riku_ should take care of.

* * *

“And then, he said I could take less medicine! Isn’t that great?” Sora beamed, as he and Riku walked together, hand in hand, back to Sora’s house. Riku gave him a soft smile, and nodded.

“Yeah. Sounds great.” He replied, and thought back to Sora and Yen Sid’s conversation.

Today, Sora said, was nothing special.

 _His_ Sora would never miss his birthday for the world. Even Vanitas knew it.

“Hey,” he said, as the two of them came to a stop in front of a pedestrian light, the red barely a visible dot in the radiating heat of the summer bearing down on them. Sora blinked up at him, head cocked, and Riku steeled himself. “What’s your name?”

Sora deflated at that, but then he laughed nervously. “Wh-what do you mean?” He asked, “Why’re you asking me this, Riku? You know who I am, we’re best friends!”

“Sora—” He cut himself off, and shook his head. “No, whoever you are. Listen.”

He turned to look at the brunet, and held his shoulders.

“It’s Sora’s birthday today.” He declared, and the boy’s eyes widened. “He wouldn’t miss it for the world. For _anything._ So please, tell me who you are. I need to know.”

The boy’s smile crumbled, brittle all of a sudden, and he laughed sadly, wiping at tears welling up in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I just—I want to be happy.” He dissolved into quiet, hiccuping tears, and Riku pulled him close, hugging him tightly despite the heat that made their skin slick, and sticky. “I don’t—I don’t wanna drink meds anymore. I remember, I forget. I just wanna tell the adults I’m okay now, I can _be_ okay and happy.”

Riku stroked his hair soothingly, as the boy continued.

“I just… I don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t wanna go to the doctor anymore. I’m okay. _I’m okay._ ”

“What’s your name?” Riku murmured, and the brunet buried his face into the crook of Riku’s neck.

“Ventus.” He said weakly. “Call me Ven.”

“Ven, I promise you.” Riku said softly, kissing his temple before pulling away, and he wiped at the tears that rolled down Ventus’s still-smiling face. “I’ll be with you through this. This is gonna help you, I promise.”

“It’s taking so long.” Ventus whispered shakily, “I’m smiling already. Isn’t that enough? I’m a good boy, I won’t hurt anyone anymore, I promise.”

“It’ll be okay.” Riku kissed his forehead. “You can heal. I’ll be there with you all the way.”

“All the way?” Ventus echoed.

“Until the end of the line.”

Ventus’s smile was finally genuine, and Riku couldn’t help but mirror it.

“I promise.” He said, and finally, clarity blossomed in Sora’s eyes.

“Riku?” He asked, and Riku held him close again, sighing deeply. “I did—did I do something again?”

“Yeah,” he replied, “I’ll tell you all about it later.”

Sora snuggled close to him, humming, and nodded. “Mnkay.”

The sign changed from red to green, and everything seemed alright once again.

* * *

When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend in Sora.

When Riku was 11, he had found himself three.


	4. xion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend in Sora. 
> 
> When Riku was 13, he had found himself four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shutttt upp pp p p p i know it's been ages shuu t ttt t tt upp

Entering middle school was an interesting time of their lives—Riku was a year ahead of Sora and Kairi, so he was already right on the way out just as they were about to settle in.

Sora and Ventus—Kairi _loved_ Ventus, thankfully—often complained about Riku being so far away, but Riku made sure he always sat with them for lunch, hunching over the same benches at the corner of the school yard while they ate packed lunches. In time, their little group of friends grew to include Kairi’s adoptive little sister Naminé, and other children on the island, like Tidus, Wakka and Selphie.

Riku found himself wondering sometimes why Sora still insisted on having him around when he had so many friends now, but always, without fail, Sora would pull him and Kairi to his side, and begin lunchtimes with a story told between widely grinning lips.

Halcyon days spent together like this, it was easy to forget how many people lived in Sora’s heart. Ventus showed up every once in a while, and only ever to adults, Riku realised. Ventus rarely met with children his age—if he was even Sora’s age—and ended up facing adults in authority more than Sora or Vanitas did.

Riku, after some time, understood each alter’s role in Sora’s life. If Vanitas was there to shoulder all the hurt Sora felt, then Ventus was there to shoulder the concern the world felt towards Sora.

Sora didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want to be someone who needed help this badly. He wanted to just be _okay,_ to be free of this pain perpetuated by all the concern pointed right at him.

In a way, Riku was glad he himself never had to make either of them show up because of him. It felt like he was hurting Sora more if they did.

Of course, Vanitas was still there to spit fire or hiss at people, but Riku was glad that the boy had mellowed out some after Ventus came out.

He didn’t like Ventus very much, when Riku told him about him.

“ _Disgusting._ ” Vanitas had snarled, and Riku hadn’t liked the way Sora’s face contorted around the venom he always spat. “ _Hiding the pain behind a smile, saying ‘I’m fine’ when he isn’t? What a liar._ ”

Riku had looked at him, and then at the four dots Vanitas made on Sora’s hand so long ago. Right now, it was pressed against Riku’s palm, his fingers loosely intertwined with Sora’s, so Riku could really only ever see two of the four dots there. Vanitas always made it that way, especially after the first time he had pressed Sora’s scars into his skin.

Almost like an apology, for the harm he wrought onto others, when he himself felt the same.

Vanitas squeezed his hand back then, and Riku looked at him. He was scowling, as was his wont to do.

“ _You’re looking at me like that again. I told you, quit pitying me already. It’s disgusting._ ”

If Ventus was a liar, he thought, then Vanitas had to be one, too. One and the same.

Ventus was the smile he wore to lie that he was alright. Vanitas was the scowl he wore to lie that he didn’t need help.

How difficult it must be, he thought, to be a child and lose everything.

It was horrible, what Sora had gone through— _was still going through._ Riku was glad he was there to help him through every step of the way.

And so time marched onward and somehow, there was balance between Ventus and Vanitas. Yen Sid found a dosage that really did wonders to Sora, it seemed—lowering it was all it ever took, and Riku couldn’t be happier that Sora was finally beginning the slow, steady journey back to finding himself within the two other masks he wore, whether he knew them or not.

The passage of time brought with it the winds of change, and Riku found himself listening less and less to stories about fantastical, kaleidoscopic worlds far, far away from home, and more about reality, like an exhausted warrior returning home from a journey far more elaborate than his life will eventually be.

“Isn’t Yuna cute?” Tidus grinned one afternoon, to Kairi and Selphie’s delighted giggling. Wakka snickered into his hand, and Naminé offered him a tiny smile. “What, I’m right!”

“You are.” Naminé nodded politely, underneath Selphie’s louder, “You’ve got a _cruuuush!_ ”

Tidus crossed his arms. “So what if I do?” He stuck his tongue out at her. “Betcha you don’t have anyone who likes _you!_ ”

“Take that back!” the girl whined, but Wakka was quick to silence them both, already used to pulling Tidus down by the scruff of his shirt and Selphie by the hem of hers.

“Chill out,” he sighed deeply, but then smiled at the rest of the children sitting together at their usual spot. “What about the rest of you? Any changes?”

Naminé shrugged, and Kairi pouted thoughtfully. “I’ve had a boy tell me he liked me a while back.”

“Oh, I remember that.” Naminé nodded, while the rest of their circle gaped at her.

“No fair!” Selphie whined, “Kairi, you’re so pretty! Of course you’d get boys liking you!”

“Naminé’s way prettier!” The redhead protested, and the blonde’s cheeks turned a pretty shade of pink. Kairi turned to Sora, who had been pouting at the sudden change of topic from a silly argument about where paopu fruit came from, and huffed. “Right, Sora?”

“I dunno,” He began, “I don’t really ca—”

“Sure, she does.” Riku finished for him, not wanting to upset Kairi, especially when her brow furrowed deeper at Sora’s nonchalance of the whole thing. The brunet boy looked at Riku witheringly, and he smiled at Sora apologetically, patting the dorsum of his hand. “Some of my classmates really like her.”

“Can’t we just go back to talking about the secret place on the island?” Sora huffed, and Kairi pouted at him.

“What about _you,_ Sora?” She asked, exasperated, “Don’t you have someone you like?”

Sora paused, and deflated slightly. “What… no?” He fiddled with his fingers on his lap. “Why should I?”

“Man, you’re still just a kid.” Tidus huffed, rubbing his nose proudly.

“That’s so weird.” Selphie stuck her tongue out at him. “That’s like, not normal, at all.”

“H-huh?” Sora blinked, and Riku looked at her witheringly, though she didn’t notice. The brunet boy deflated, and looked down at his hand, at the four little dots that reminded him of everything, even when his heart forgot it. “Am I… broken?”

“No, not at all!” Riku blurted out, getting up onto his feet, and all the children looked up at him, alarmed. He blushed deeply, and sat back down, as Sora looked up at him with wide, crystal-clear eyes. “Not… not at all. We’re all just…” he looked down at his own hand, and imagined two scars on the spot Vanitas always linked their palms together. “We’re all just… different. And that’s okay.”

Kairi smiled at that, and nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.” She turned to look at Sora, and squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry, I got upset.”

Sora smiled at her shakily, and squeezed her hand back, leaning on her side.

Naminé nodded, and huffing, she hit Tidus and Selphie on the arm with her sketchbook.

“Apologise!” She said sternly, and Kairi beamed.

“That’s the spirit.” The redhead girl nodded, while Tidus and Selphie groaned in protest.

“Come on, now.” Riku sighed, “Just get it over with. That wasn’t nice, the both of you.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Tidus mumbled, and Selphie looked apologetically at Sora.

“Sorry, Sora.” She said, as the blond boy mumbled the same thing.

Sora gave them a watery smile, and simply nodded. He looked back at Riku, who gave him a smile, and leaned against him too, sandwiching him between himself and Kairi.

Sora finally calmed down at that, and if his stare lingered on Riku longer than it normally did, Riku didn’t say a word about it.

“Oh, how about you, Riku?” Naminé asked pleasantly. “Do you have someone you like?”

“Dunno,” he shrugged. “I’ve been pretty busy lately, so I don’t have much time to think about that.” He looked at Wakka, “Cram school, and stuff. Right, Wakka?”

“Well, if you went with me to cram school, maybe you’d meet a nice girl you’d be interested in!” Wakka chuckled, “Mister Can-Actually-Study-Properly-At-Home.”

There was a reason Riku had to live that way—if he did go to cram school, Sora wouldn’t have someone to go with him to Yen Sid’s office. Kairi couldn’t _always_ be there with him, the same way Riku couldn’t, do he had to make a compromise.

Riku laughed at that, elbowing him, and Wakka grinned back at him. “Who knows. If she’s there, I haven’t met her yet.”

“Well, you gotta actually go there first!” The redhead laughed. “Meet a nice girl to start off that sweet high school romance with, eh?”

“A nice girl, huh.”

Riku hadn’t even thought about it—a girlfriend? He’d always been too preoccupied with taking care of Sora, always used to the idea that Sora would always take up a large part of his time, his _life_ , and he was fine with it.

He shrugged. “Who knows.” He said instead. No use setting things in stone for a future that just lay beyond the next morning.

The conversation pulled back to their usual talk about everything and nothing, their usual laughter ringing around their usual place, and Riku thought that was the end of it.

Sora was still looking at Riku, and a tiny forget-me-not bud sprung up from deep inside his heart.

“A nice girl,” He said. “A nice girl.”

* * *

Sora liked colourful things. His room was a bright splash of colour that Vanitas often complained about, but Ventus didn’t mind as much. As of late, Riku found Sora helping his mother out in their small garden more frequently, and one Saturday morning, he leaned over Sora’s picket fence to watch them plant pretty blue blossoms in the corner of the garden.

“Oh, Riku!” Sol’s smile was like her namesake, reflected in the way Sora’s lips turned up to smile at him too. “It’s nice to see you! Taking a break today from studying?”

“Yeah, Auntie Sol.” He nodded, as Sora came up to him, beaming brightly and looking positively _radiant_ in a sunny yellow apron and gardening gloves. “Hey, Sora.”

“Riku!” Sora greeted cheerfully, and then withdrew himself, as if catching himself doing something he hadn’t intended on doing. Riku raised an eyebrow at him, and much to his surprise, Sora’s cheeks darkened, his freckles standing out more than ever.

“Sora, something wrong?”

“N-nothing!” Sora tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear, and Riku blinked. He never did that before. He quickly composed himself as best as he could, and faced Riku again. “Good morning! We’re gardening today.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Riku smiled, and Sora’s cheeks darkened further. Riku didn’t say anything about it—but he filed it away at the back of his mind for later. “What’re you planting?”

“Forget-me-nots.” Sora replied. “Me and mom were at the store the other day and I thought they were pretty, so she said we could plant them here.”

“Huh.” Riku nodded thoughtfully, as Sol excused herself to head back inside with the promise of lemonade for herself and the boys. He looked at the freshly-planted flowers, and smiled. “Yeah, they’re really pretty.” He looked back at Sora, and realised his eyes were the same colour.

Funny, how he’d thought of comparing Sora to flowers.

“Right?” Sora nodded. “I thought they were super cute, they’ll really suit this outfit I have—” he stopped himself again, turning bright red, and he hid his face behind his hands as Riku blinked at him with surprise. “S-sorry. I mean. Um.”

Riku smiled slowly, and gently pried away Sora’s hands from his face.

“Didn’t know you were into fashion now.” He said. “Naminé’s rubbing off on you, huh.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Sora mumbled. “This is… not great, is it?”

Riku blinked, and cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

Sora’s blush deepened, as Riku held Sora’s hands together in his, squeezing reassuringly.

“Sora, is there something you’re not telling me?” He asked, brushing Sora’s hair out of his face delicately, and Sora bit his lip, as if ready to cry. “Hey, it’s okay.” He smiled softly. “You know I’ll never hate you. You’re my Sora, you’re my best friend in the whole world.”

“Yeah.” Sora said quietly, almost inaudibly, and Riku cocked his head at him. The brunet shook his head, and before Riku could say anything, Sol poked her head out of their door, smiling at them both.

“Boys, come on inside!” She said, “There’s some ice cold lemonade waiting for you!”

“Coming, Mom!” Sora chimed immediately, switching like a lamp that had been turned on, and Riku blinked.

No, not Sora.

Just when he thought he could never make him come out on his own anymore—

Ventus.

Ventus smiled at Riku, and took his hand.

“C’mon! It’s really hot out here, don’t you think?”

“Ven—”

Ventus’s smile, as always, wasn’t genuine, but he squeezed Riku’s hand gently.

“Please.” He said. “I—” he paused, and shook his head. “ _We_ have something to tell you later.”

Riku gaped at him, but he quickly composed himself and nodded.

* * *

Sol left the two boys alone together in Sora’s room with the pitcher of lemonade, and some ham and cheese sandwiches she’d already prepared beforehand with a croissant in one hand and her own glass of lemonade in the other. Smiling, she told them she would go see Celeste next door, and the boys half-heartedly waved her goodbye as the ceiling fan in Sora’s room turned in lazy circles above their heads.

Riku watched it move slowly, blue, yellow, white, blue, yellow, white, and thought about flowers, about the way blue gave way to white before terminating in a golden disc, and simply waited for Ventus to speak again.

The two of them sat on the floor of Sora’s room together, facing each other across a small table Riku and Sora used to study together, and for a while, Ventus fiddled with the silly plastic straw Sol had put in Sora’s usual glass, before sighing tiredly.

“Sorry. Sora doesn’t know, and Vanitas didn’t want to be the one to tell you.” He said after a long while, and Riku simply nodded. Ventus smiled down at his drink, and unable to see his friend’s eyes, Riku didn’t know how the boy was feeling. “Please, don’t get mad at us.”

“You know I never would.” Riku replied without missing a beat, and Ventus looked at him again, that same gut-churning insincerity in his eyes a mismatch with the smile he always wore on Sora’s face.

“You’ll never know that for sure.” He said, and looked down at their food again. “There’s someone new in here with us in Sora’s heart.”

“Huh?” Riku blinked, and Ventus laughed softly.

“Yeah, you really wouldn’t notice them, not even _you_ , Riku.” He said, and looked out the window. “It was Kairi who noticed first.”

Riku deflated slightly. On one hand, he was glad Kairi was able to finally see Sora’s different alters as easily as he did—now even _recognising_ one before Riku could—but on the other, he felt… disappointed.

Disappointed in himself, that something was worsening in Sora again, and this time, he hadn’t noticed.

“Do you know when they came out?” He asked, and paused. “Has this something to do with the flowers?”

“The flowers, the colours.” Ventus replied, “The dresses.”

“Dresses?” Riku blinked, and Ventus got up from his seat to head over to Sora’s closet. He opened the doors, and while Riku could recognise most of the clothes in there, there was a small section right at the very end and far away from sight that he didn’t recognise.

Ventus pulled out one of the three unfamiliar things in there—a pretty light blue cocktail dress with small white flowers around the hem of the skirt and across the body, the ribbon at the back designed to look like a green leaf.

Riku’s eyes widened. “Wait, I know that dress.”

“It was Kairi’s.” Ventus replied, “But Xion asked for it, so she gave it to us.”

“Xion?” Riku echoed, and Ventus nodded, putting the dress back. “Who’s... Xion?”

Ventus sat back down again across him, and much to Riku’s surprise, his smile disappeared.

No, this wasn’t Ventus, but this person was much too calm to be Vanitas.

“Xion?” Riku ventured, and Xion nodded.

“It’s nice to properly meet you, Riku.” She said, and it was odd to see Sora tucking his hair behind his ear again. “I know you don’t know me very well, but I know you well enough.” She sighed, and fiddled with the hem of Sora’s shirt. “You’re… a great person, Riku.”

“Thank you?” Riku couldn’t help but smile slightly, but he shook his head. “Xion, has anything happened to you or Sora recently? Is there something wrong?”

“I—” Xion hesitated, and she shook her head. “No, I know why you’re asking. I know all about it.” Her hands balled into shaking fists on her lap, and she kept her gaze down on a half-eaten sandwich. “I’m not supposed to exist, right?”

Riku hesitated, and she looked up from the sandwich to smile at him sadly. “When I showed myself to Kairi for the first time, she explained everything. She didn’t tell me outright anything mean, but I know that me being here means something…  terrible for Sora right now, right?”

Riku didn’t know what to say. He stayed quiet, but Xion didn’t seem to mind his silence.

“I understand, I really do.” She said, “And I’m sorry, Riku, but this is something Sora and I can’t tell you anything about.”

Riku’s eyes widened at that, and he gaped at Xion, who bowed her head apologetically at him.

“I know he— _we_ tell you everything, but this time—this time,” she choked up slightly, and sniffled. Riku was quick to move, scooting right next to her to pull her into a hug, and Xion meekly hugged him back. “This time,” she murmured into his ear, “We can’t. We really can’t.”

“Why?” Riku’s mind raced—what was going on? Did Sora hate him? What did he do? “Aren’t I your friend?”

“That’s exactly it.” Xion said, her voice strained. “Riku, you’re our friend. Our _friend._ ”

He pulled away from her, confusion marring his expression. “Then _why not?_ ”

She smiled, and cupped his face in her hand. “Because, Riku, I want to be a nice girl for you.”

He blinked at her, and Xion shut her eyes, lowering her hand to her lap again.

When Riku looked into blue eyes again a moment after that, he knew he was looking at Sora again.

He couldn’t understand what was going on. Why was Xion there? What did she _mean?_

“Hey, Riku.” Sora greeted meekly, and Riku sighed, hugging him again. “Did you talk with Xion?”

“Yeah.” He replied, “I’m sorry, Sora. I’m really, really sorry.” He tightened his hug on the brunet, and Sora gingerly hugged him back, burying his face into the crook of Sora’s neck. “I did something terrible, didn’t I? Whatever it is, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Sora muttered, and it felt so strange, hearing this from the very person he swore to protect. “It’s never your fault, Riku.”

He didn’t know what to say to that, and simply held on.

* * *

When Riku was 4 years old, he had one best friend in Sora.

When Riku was 13, he had found himself four.

**Author's Note:**

> miss sol? that's just me. her real name is bukkun and sora's my son now. forever and ever amen ~~jk~~
> 
> also, i'll probably be in the soriku discord server after this, so catch anyone around who'll be interested to see me there!


End file.
